I don’t know the answers anymore. I thought I had a certain life. All picked out and planned. It was all going well, until…Until time did us in. We went along thinking time would take care of us. But it does not. You fuck it all up when you don’t keep an eye on time. Time brings all these things you are supposed to do and be. You are trapped in thinking you are supposed to keep everything going and hope that’s enough. It’s not enough. I know that now.
You are supposed to exist in a life that is shared with others. The biggest lie I believed was that I was supposed to find my own happiness. Of course, you are supposed to find your own happiness. But what I didn’t know, and perhaps what we both didn't know, was that your own happiness is supposed to be shared with someone else. It doesn’t exist on your own island. Hopefully, the happiness you are sharing is with the one you married.
If I am to face this crushing heartache and a total “fuck you” to my life, then I must believe in what can come of this and be good.
My son. My son doesn’t understand why mommy and daddy aren’t together. Sure, he’ll tell you the pat answer, “They argued. They just couldn’t get along.” But he has no idea. He has no idea what has gone into all that. A lifetime.
Of course it’s not a lifetime. It is a chapter, as they would say. But, there’s my son. Maybe he’s wondering why his chapter ended. Maybe he is wondering where his new chapter begins.
He sees his new chapter. He is living in his own chapter that was created for him by the adults that messed up the last chapter.
If I want good to come of this, then I must be sure my son grows up to know some things.
He needs to know that you have no fucking idea who you are when you are eighteen to thirty years old. At least. If you are going to choose someone during that time, then you better choose someone who will grow with you. Someone who will be, at the core, a lot like you so they can grow with you. But then, you see, there is the mistake. You think you know who you are when you are twenty-two. So, you think you can find someone enough like you who you can grow with, have a life with. But life is long and so many lessons to learn.
You see how complicated this is? I want good to come of this – life lessons for my son. However, I am still learning. It’s all we’ve got in this life, to keep learning. I still don’t know how I fell in love so hard, so right, so forever, and now, forever has ended with that person.
In spite of all I don’t know, I want my son to know…
That love exists, and it exists hard, for the moment. You create for yourself a life that can live on the waves of love that go on forever. One love may not be enough. One love may not see you through to all that you can be.
My son, I loved your daddy. More than words can say. I always will in a way. I am still realizing the mistakes we made.
Life doesn’t wait for your learning.
Life goes on and on, and you better pay attention. You need to pay attention to yourself and the people you are closest to in order to make any meaning of it. Don’t ignore the whispers of your heart. Act on them. Fear will keep you from that.
Fuck fear and all that it implies.
I am not “down on love.” I am not saying “only serve yourself.” The messages I intend to instill are much more complicated than that.
Realize that life will bring you so many surprises. In so many stages in your life, and in so many ways. Whether you are ready or not, you will handle those little shockers as well as the love you have built inside you.
Only love rules.
Me saying that only love rules is ironic, I know. I am telling a story about divorce and life-lessons-for-my-son, and I am saying love rules all. Well, it does. Self-love, gratitude, and love for the world around you is what will help you build a good character – a good inside – so that you may steer through these challenges with a trust-worthy inner ear.
Maybe all of this is more about myself than my son. He will figure it out, just like we all do eventually. My hope is that he knows, all along the way, the love that was there for him. I want him to build on that love so much that he is able to look at the world with a lens of his own, a lens that has been tinted with good intentions.
What I need to remember is that I did the best I could at the time. If I don’t learn from that, then damn me. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to create the perfect life. My perfect life exists right now. It exists right now in the choices I’ve made. Most of those choices I’m happy with. The other choices – I’m trying to listen to my inner ear, my inner heart about all of it. I can only hope my son lives life the same way.
And there is the gift to myself. Hoping my son lives his life the same way. Learning from mistakes. Living life with love.
The above was written many months ago. I have sat on it awhile. It was writing that, in a way, inspired this blog, but I could not share. I felt it was too soon. Although truth exists in the moment, sometimes, we wait to share it for when it feels ok. I don't know that me sharing this will feel ok with others, but it is my truth. And, dammit, I know that so many out there deal with divorce with children and struggle to make sense of it all.
It's something I believe in. Writing. And sharing my words.